Mad Men: the lost script

Congrats to the Pittsburgh Ad Federation for their successful Mad Men event, held at the Left Field space of Smith Brothers Agency on the North Side last night. Way too much alcohol, not enough Lucky Strikes. In other words, the evening was as perfect as Basket of Kisses.

While we were busy gobbling up things wrapped in bacon, a well-worn typescript fell to the floor from the briefcase of someone standing nearby. I didn't recognize the guy -- he was wearing a fedora, a skinny black tie, and the shiniest shoes I've ever seen on a man. I picked up the papers to hand them back to him, but he had vanished.

Anyhow, it turned out to be a script for the upcoming season of the hit AMC show. I share a piece of it with you, because I know that you, too, are a hopeless fan:

OPEN on ROGER STERLING staring into camera. Small beads of sweat stand out on his well-tanned forehead and drip from the edges of his perfectly cut silver hair. Roger lights up a Lucky Strike and blows a forceful and tense puff into the camera. Pull back to reveal DON DRAPER standing behind him.

ROGER STERLING (as DON DRAPER lights up a Lucky Strike): Don, I got a call from IBM today. They want to change their media spend. They're pulling it off of television and putting it into something ... something they're calling "The Internet"

DON DRAPER: Internet?

ROGER STERLING (turns to face DON DRAPER. Mixes himself a Rusty Nail): Yeah. Never heard of it. They're telling me it's like television, only you can watch all the porn you want with it.

DON DRAPER (picking up a bottle of Old Granddad on the credenza): Porn? What about Bonanza? What about the Loretta Young Show? What about Dick Van Dyke? They're pulling huge share for these guys. And the "Think" slogan. We billed 20 million for that. We focus grouped the hell out of it, and that messaging is solid. Christ, Roger, I've got John Cameron Swayze lined up for the next flight of sixties. It's gonna cost us to pull out now.

ROGER STERLING: Who cares about Hoss and Little Joe when you can get a look at Marilyn Monroe's ta-tas for free? They say that what we're doing is not moving the iron, Donny. They're saying we dropped the ball. They're saying YOU dropped the ball.

DON DRAPER (pours himself a third Sidecar): Come on Roger, someone's blowing smoke up their asses. They're not talking about moving the business, are they? I can control this.

ROGER STERLING (stubbing out his cigarette, lights up a pipe): I don't know what they're telling you, but I saw Tom Brown having drinks at Delmonico's the other night with two suits from Google, Jobs and Gore. Way too buddy-buddy for us to feel comfortable about it. You had damn well better control it.

PEGGY OLSON appears in office doorway in a starched cotton blouse, carrying a stack of folders

PEGGY OLSON: I'm sorry to interrupt, Mr. Sterling, but you said you wanted these survey results right away.

DON DRAPER (lights another Lucky, glares at Peggy): Peggy, this is not a good time.

ROGER STERLING: No, it's all right. We're just about done. Wait a minute, Peggy, didn't we just send this out this morning? How'd you get results so fast?

PEGGY OLSON: Survey Monkey. On the Internet.

DON DRAPER (sloshing his drink): Monkey?

ROGER STERLING: Don, why don't you shut up and pour yourself another Grasshopper.

PEGGY OLSON (lights up a Lucky): Roger, there's something else I think you should have a look at. It's called "YouTube."

DON DRAPER: Tube?